I’ve heard the phrase, “Why play small?” tossed about quite a bit lately. I’ve used this phrase myself in talking to my clients “What’s the cost of you playing it so small?” And, I’ve even said this to myself, usually as a form of shoring up my confidence: “I’m not going to play small” or “Life’s too short to play small.” But when I sat down today to outline what playing small really means, I had to break it down in my own mind to come up with the following definition:

When we “play small” it means you are letting your thoughts and emotions run the show and not letting your true nature shine.

Now I don’t want to get all woo woo on you here. Those who know me know I teeter on that boundary between the rational and the spiritual quite well. I’m an extremely practical, no-nonsense kind of woman, but I do believe we all have the ability to shine if we give ourselves the right conditions.

It’s sort of like the stars when they convert hydrogen into helium. The excess energy that’s shed results in electromagnetic radiation, which is that brilliant light we can see from the ground.

We’re not much different than the stars except we tend to douse our energy with negativity in the form of emotions that get in the way of our brilliance. And the primary emotions that dull our brilliance are fear, doubt and confusion.

• Fear tells us “I can’t.”
• Doubt tells us “I shouldn’t.”
• Confusion says, “I don’t know.”

Each of these on their own can cripple any forward momentum. All together, they can drive you into a complete wormhole. I know this for a fact because I’m sort of familiar with wormholes. I believed the voices in my head that kept me playing small for a good long time.

I stayed in a marriage that by any measure wasn’t working and was actually taking years off my life. I remained in a career that, while very lucrative, was starving my soul. I stayed in these places because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough on my own. I didn’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have a boss and a paycheck. And, I thought I shouldn’t ‘risk it’ in either scenario for fear that I’d fail. It was like dying a slow, painful death.

The sad thing about all of this is I’m not unique. I know there are many of you out there dying a slow death from a lousy relationship or a draining career because of fear, doubt and confusion.

Getting this straight got me thinking again. If these emotions are the reasons you feel less than you can be, how do you do the opposite? How do you play big? Well, I’ve been hanging out with some pretty powerful women lately and while they are powerful, they are also vulnerable. And they’ve taught me you can’t completely shush the voices in your head, but you can create a kind of peace treaty. And here are the keys to negotiating:

1. Know that nothing lasts forever. Whatever misery or success you are experiencing now will likely have a short shelf life. Recognizing that can solve a lot of present and future pain. And we don’t last forever either. So when you examine the risks, how big are they really?
2. Know that you are not perfect. I know. Some of us (who me?) actually may believe we are bigger, better and impervious to failure. This isn’t true. Everyone fails at something at some time. But we all live through it. So have compassion for yourself – you are only human after all.
3. Be flexible. So now we know there will be good times, there will be bad times, and it’s best not to get too attached to any kind of experience. The best approach is to just roll with the flow and keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking toward your goal.
4. Act as if. I added this one at the last minute because it occurred to me that when you can’t shush the voices in your head, you don’t need to heed them. Go through the motions as if you were already the success you dream to be and see what happens.

Our time on this planet is over in a universal nanosecond. So in the big scheme of things, does it pay to let fear, doubt and confusion reign? When you are all locked up in negative emotions, no one gets to see your brilliance, least of all you.

So what’s it costing you to play small? Are you losing out on love? Abandoning a dream? Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin? Are you a visitor in your own house?

I think this quote by Marianne Williamson sums it up.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Is it time for you to stop playing small? Want to talk about it? Click here to apply for a complimentary “I’m ready to play big” strategy session.