We are women. We are daughters, friends, employees, employers, and frequently spouses and moms. As women, and particularly as mothers, we tend to sacrifice our needs in favor of others. Sometimes it may seem like you are taking care of “everyone else but me.”
Sometimes sacrifice is warranted and frequently it’s not.
There are times when we may give up a vacation for our kid’s music lessons or a school trip; or a parent becomes ill and needs our help; or we have to pull a weekend at work to meet a major milestone.
These are once-in-a-blue-moon events. But when you find yourself always saying yes to others when in your heart you really want to say ‘no,’ that’s when it could be a sign that something deeper is at play.
If you find your goals, desires and yes, wants (there is nothing wrong with wanting something) falling to the bottom of your list – if you are always deferring to the needs of others, something IS wrong and it’s time to check in and investigate why.
Is it because you don’t feel as worthy or as important as those around you? Or is it a secret way of hiding out – of not showing up in life? After all, if you don’t show up, you can’t be judged and you certainly can’t fail. You won’t have to face your unhappiness, loneliness, fears and insecurities. You can stay in your comfort zone.
But is it really comfortable to stay in a zone where in effect you don’t really exist except in a role that serves others?
Sometimes focusing on others is just a convenient excuse for not looking at what’s not working in your own life. I know first hand. I spent the better part of a lifetime ensuring everyone around me was happy – except me.
How can you tell if you are falling into the ‘everyone but me’ trap?
- How often do you do things for yourself? Take some time away – even if it’s just taking a bubble bath with the door shut and candles burning. Do you do something for you every day? Every week? Every month? Take a mental inventory.
- Do you find yourself always busy, busy, busy– so much so that you can hardly take a breath for yourself?
- If you asked yourself, would you be able to admit that sometimes doing for others takes the focus off of you so that you don’t have to think about the parts of your life that bother you? Are you lonely? Out of shape? Exhausted? Do you feel defeated? Do you sometimes ask yourself, “Is this all there is?”
If you found yourself answering ‘Yes’ to the questions above and struggled to list the things that you have done for yourself in the last month or the last year, it’s likely that you are hiding behind the “everyone else but me” trap.
To bust free of this self-limiting belief, I invite you to sit down and create a vision for how you would like your life to unfold. If you are in in mid-life, how much time do you hope to have left on this earth? How do you want to spend that time? Where do you want to be? What are you doing? Who are you with? How does it make you feel?
Get in touch with your ideal life Write it out. Journal it onto the page. Or create a vision board or book with pictures. Spend some quiet time getting in touch with the girl inside. You remember her, don’t you? The one who had big dreams and a big vision who somehow got lost along the way.
Next, ask yourself, “What is one thing that I could do today that would bring me one step closer to that vision?” Then make a promise to yourself to do that one thing. That one thing may lead to another and you may actually find yourself feeling good. Feeling seen. Feeling in control.
I love the idea of making a promise to oneself as a symbol of a commitment to change what is no longer working. There is a non-profit group called “because I said I would” that has a mission to change the world one promise at a time. Stop by the website. Order some promise cards. And create one promise to yourself and keep it. Who knows? It could change everything.
Release Fear. Think Clear. Get Into Gear.
Thank you so much for stopping by and giving me such wonderful feedback and a boost to write another. More coming soon!
Deb