You know the pattern… he’s charming, flattering and has all the right moves.
But, soon…you start to spot the red flags. You notice when he talks, it’s all about him. Over time you notice that you only go to his favorite restaurants and hang out with his friends.
He gets critical about how you do things–maybe he doesn’t like the weight you’ve put on, thinks you’re messy, and definitely puts you second to him.
If you stick around much longer, he may call you names and verbally abuse you. Your people-pleasing patterns kick in, and soon you are walking on eggshells so you don’t wake the volatile beast within.
Let me drop a red flag here for you–you’re dating a narcissist–again!
Many divorced women think once they’re divorced, they’re finally free! Then, comes the next relationship and the realization sets in–it’s the same relationship, just with a different man!
You vow the next will be different. But before long, you find herself in the same old spot.
WTF?? You wonder, “What am I doing wrong?”
Kicking his ass out the door makes you feel great! You love your new found freedom. It feels amazing being you!
Before you go out into the dating scene again, make sure to take inventory of your patterns and that you’re actually ready to date–you have learned to honor yourself, trust your intuition and are ready to open up to love.
Then, sharpen your dating skills with these seven tells that you are actually dating a narcissist.
Best dating advice after divorcing a narcissist
Sharpen your signal. While your first instinct might be to just dive right into the dating pool and see what happens, women who have the best experiences get very intentional about who they want and how to attract them.
Get into alignment. Marrying a narcissist wasn’t all his fault. After all, you said, “I do.” So how do you avoid making the same mistake again? Make sure you are aware of and have corrected your own patterns. Low self-esteem will get you right back to where you started. If there is a part of you that feels “not good enough,” you will end up with someone who reinforces that belief.
Have a dating protocol. If you are meeting men online, set up your own rules of engagement and move quickly from text to meeting in person. If the online chats go well, move quickly to phone or video. If that goes well, make a date to meet. Is he a yes or a no? If he’s a maybe, give him a second shot. Leopards don’t change their spots (you should know that by now) so if you don’t like what you see or how you feel, cut it short.
Don’t make the first date an interview. Be curious about learning about him and sharing about you. Discover who this man is, not who he says he is. Watch how he interacts with you and others around you. How does he treat you? Did he open the door for you? Or walk in ahead of you? Did he pick up the check? Walk you to your car? Give a soft kiss (and didn’t go for groping)? Is he an engaged dad? Does he love his work? Does he travel? (Most women want a man who’s curious to see the world.)
Set good filters. Look for the red flags and don’t gloss over them. If in your first conversation it’s all about him and he doesn’t ask anything about you, don’t bother meeting him. Guard your yeses as if they were gold. Don’t give away your time to someone who isn’t worth it, or you will end up being burnt out and discouraged and give up entirely.
Cast for your leading man. Your dating profile is your energetic vibration of who you are and what you want in a relationship. It’s not a laundry list of looks and character traits. Your online profile is an expression of your love story. You are the leading lady, and you are casting for your leading man.
Practice conscious communication. Once you are in a relationship, don’t sweep things under the rug. Your desire to be in a relationship and your attachment to the good in him may cause you to make excuses for what should be red flags. Like they say in subways and airports, “If you see something, say something.”
There is love after 50, and the best dating advice after divorcing a narcissist is this: Work on you before looking for love again. Be sure you have cleared the patterns of the past, looked deep into how you got where you are and have built up your self-esteem.
Don’t sweep red flags under the rug. Make a mental note as you go.
Take things slow – step by step. “I like you pretty good; let’s see how it goes” is a good mantra to adopt. As you grow into this relationship, notice where you slip into old patterns. Keep alert for his tells and always, always, honor your heart.
You’ve got this!
Big love,
P.S. Whenever you’re ready… here are four ways I can help you find the love of your life:
- Join Finding Love Over 40 – It’s our free Facebook Community for women looking to break out of past patterns and finally find the love of their life–CLICK HERE to join
- Get our online dating training – Learn how to put the law of attraction to work writing your dating profile, and learn tips and tricks for “leveraging the math” in the online dating game–CLICK HERE
- Sign up for The Great Do-Over Rewrite Your Love Story – and get hands-on, step-by-step coaching and mentoring in how to find the love of your life with a community of fabulous women–CLICK HERE Enter the code 50POFF for 50% off enrollment in the Summer Of Love Course
- Work with me privately – If you’d like to hire me as your private coach to take you from repeating patterns in relationships to meeting loving men with integrity who are great long-term partners, CLICK HERE to apply for a private consultation.
Release Fear. Think Clear. Get Into Gear.