Trust.
It’s the single hardest thing to learn how to do again when starting over after a divorce.
Especially if your spouse cheated, lied or was otherwise out of integrity.
I wonder if the narcissist is the latest epidemic? It’s certainly the most often applied adjective I hear when a woman describes her ex.
“He cheated on me – twice.”
“He perpetually lied.”
“He told me I was too fat. Not pretty. Made me feel like sh*t.”
You know the saddest part? We stayed with these men (yes, I fall into this camp too) for far too long.
So how do you trust again? How do you trust another man with your heart? How do you trust yourself to make the right choices the next time?
Because in the back of your mind, it wasn’t just about him… it also had a lot to do with you.
“How did I miss all of the red flags?” “Why did I stay?”
Getting back into the dating world might not make you feel much better. Online dating is rife with those who lie and portend to be something they’re not…. Who do you trust?
You. You trust you.
One bad experience – even if it lasted 25 or 30 years, does not make a bad life..
You have plenty more living to do and the gift of your experience? You have learned what you don’t want. You CAN spot the patterns and you can make different choices.
The first step to returning to love – or maybe finding love for the very first time – is learning to trust yourself and your instincts.
We all have an internal guidance system that sometimes goes out of whack. Maybe it’s because you don’t feel good enough, don’t like rejection, or always had to earn love as a child… for whatever reason, your internal guidance system went on the fritz. You made a bad choice, even when all the outward signs looked positive.
The problem is you have lost trust in yourself.
Women who don’t trust men, don’t trust themselves, and they don’t trust that true love is possible. Women who don’t trust themselves end up repeating the same relationship patterns over and over, or end up living alone.
In The Great Do-Over we have a prescribed process for learning to trust again.
Step 1: Make an honest assessment of what is and isn’t working. If you are blaming your ex, feeling ashamed of yourself or saying things like “there are no good men out there” or “all men want is sex,” you are creating a false belief system that is keeping you from the truth and keeping you from love. Be relentless in your pursuit of the truth.
Step 2: Be the woman you want him to fall in love with. If you are looking for a partner who is honest and has integrity, how honest are you being with yourself? Are you living in your own integrity? Now is the time to face your truth. How much do you love you right now? You will only find a partner to love you to the degree that you love yourself.
Step 3: Learn from your experience. When you are lied to or cheated on or shamed – these are simply toxic experiences telling you what you DON’T want. It’s essential to know what you don’t want in order to know what you do want. (There’s a lot more too this including setting good boundaries, clearing false beliefs and establishing proof, but this will get you started)
If you are dating once again, do a debrief in your journal about what you did and didn’t like about each date. The things you didn’t like are things to filter for before you say yes again. The things you did like become the vision you are making of your ideal man. Spend more time visioning what you do want rather than what you don’t want. Thoughts are things and what you focus your attention on grows, so grow more good men!
Step 4: Open your heart. It’s not always easy to snap back after a love gone wrong, but return to love you will once you mend that broken heart. Take time to meditate. Practice compassion on yourself. Tenderly heal that little girl inside that has been bruised. You are here now, sporting your big girl panties. You are learning to forgive yourself and gather the strength to move on. Your ideal partner is out there looking for you. You need to be seen to be found. Take baby steps, be yourself and never settle for anything less than soul rocking love.
Are you ready to trust again?
Join me and and a posse of other fabulous women in “The Truth About Dating Over 40 – How To Find The Love Of Your Life” a webinar workshop Thursday, September 15 at 8pm Eastern, 5pm Pacific. You can save your seat here.
I hope to see you there!
Talk soon,
Are you ready for your Great Do-Over?
Release Fear. Think Clear. Get Into Gear.