When to Put Your Shield Up

“Sometimes he will say yes. Sometimes he will argue. He often changes what he says, argues and then does something completely different from what he promised…”

That’s my client, Mary, talking about her ex-husband. The divorce is getting closer. The house is going on the market. And Mary is leading the charge in cleaning out the crap that has accumulated over the last 27 years.

Welcome to life with a narcissist.

Dealing with narcissistic people is never easy. They literally don’t have the ability to put themselves in your shoes.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an ex-husband, a boss, a friend or a colleague in the office. Discussions turn to confrontations and when that happens, you have already lost the game.

Why? Narcissists love to push your buttons! So tuck those buttons in tight and let’s talk about strategies for how to deal with people you can’t change.

First – don’t expect them to change – ever. The last “discussion” you dusted yourself off from is an indication of your next encounter. Be prepared. Don’t expect them to be reasonable – it’s not in their nature.

But don’t expect the worst either… getting into a story of what they will say or do simply attracts that experience to you. It’s best to expect the best and be ready to handle the worst.

Second – don’t take anything personally. Their barbs will sting, but only if you feel them. When they open their mouth, it’s your indication to put your shield up. [Pretend you are Captain Kirk of the starship Enterprise and a Klingon vessel is attacking… yup you are the captain of your emotions and it’s up to you to protect them – “shields up!”]

Shame and blame are their weapons of choice. Just watch their lips move. No matter what comes out, know it’s not about you, it’s all about them. If it helps, say to yourself, “Not me. Not mine.” That is your shield mantra.

Third – stick to your story. One story. Narcissists don’t like to be pegged down. They can maneuver their way through any conversation as long as it makes you wrong and gets you to react and prevents them from having to take action. So, don’t react.

Respond with the same statement over and over again. “The house is going on the market. It won’t sell with the basement and garage like this. I can’t do it. I need your help.”

Or, “The project is beyond scope. We need to launch. I need your help to come to a solution.”

You may even acknowledge their complaint. “I know you have no time, but the house is on the market…” Are you getting it?

Stay grounded. Stay in your truth. Do not grab the bait and swallow that shame and blame. That will leave you stressed, angry and no better off than you started.

Stay in your power. Stay steady.
Stick to your story.

See how quickly the argument diffuses and you get what you want… and you will likely have to wait. But don’t do or say anything. Don’t nag, send a nasty text or threatening emails. Just wait.

Give it a try the next time you find yourself face to face with the one who can do no wrong. Imagine your super powered shields coming up around your feet and locking in a dome around your head.

Now, go and get what you want and remain happy and peaceful at the same time!