How to Date Over 40-50-60

Single again and dating in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s?

If you are newly single and now find yourself dating over 40, over 50 or over 60, you might have already realized that dating in midlife poses unique challenges.

As I started gathering my thoughts together about writing this article about how to date over 40, I realize that there are similar challenges across the decades, but new and different challenges emerge for those in their 50’s and 60’s.

First, there’s a bigger pool of prospects when you are in your 40’s. It’s easier to meet people, and there’s less pressure to meet “the one” as you have decades ahead of you to spend with your ideal partner. It might be time to kick up your heels, have a little fun and go shopping for the best kind of relationship for you.

In your 40’s, you may also be juggling schedules with young children and in general have less time to focus on dating and relationships.

By the time you hit your 50’s, there’s an awareness that the runway ahead is significantly shorter. You are feeling good, looking good, but also wanting to not waste a ton of time – especially by making the wrong choices in relationships only to find yourself single again a few years down the road.

Choices take on a greater significance. If you are not aware of your relationship patterns now, you need to be. Spotting red flags sooner rather than later is critical to your success. It’s also important that you recognize your patterns. Frequently women attract the same relationship with a different man over and over again. It hasn’t yet sunk in that there is a dysfunctional pattern or belief system at play and until that is recognized and cleared, it will be same story, different man.

Repeating relationship patterns rapidly chips away at your confidence until the time you’d much rather eat a frog than go on another date. Discouragement sets in. The inner voice gets louder, “There are no good men other there.” “All the men my age want younger women.” “I’d rather be alone.”

Of course you’d rather not be alone, but you’re never going to spend years with the wrong partner again. The most important step is to get support and not to believe that thought or you WILL end up living out life alone, or you’ll settle for less than you want and less than you deserve.

By the time the 60’s roll around it’s a whole new ball game. You may be feeling good in your skin and in great shape but your confidence is more fragile. There’s a smaller pool of available men and those that are interested in you may be much younger or much older, and you don’t want to be a nursemaid for an aging man with years between you.

So what do you do?

Here are some best dating practices for women over 40 getting back into dating in midlife.

Fasten your seatbelt, put on your doubt-proof vest, and let’s venture out into the world of dating over 40, 50 and 60.

1. Be clear on who you are looking for. It’s hard to find the right partner if you don’t have a vision for who the right person is for you. Be a seeker, not a shopper. Shopping is fine if you are not sure what you want in a partner, but have a thick skin and be ready for a rocky ride
2. Set good filters. Once you know who you are looking for, it’s time for discernment to kick in. What are your values? Your non-negotiables? Be sure you are spotting red flags early, anytime you turn a blind eye, you are setting yourself up for disappointment later.  In your first phone call ask things like, “how long were you married? Why did your marriage end?” If he responds “My wife was crazy!” and blames the failure of the marriage on her … that would be red flag to me. Both partners play a part in the success or failure of a relationship.
3. Have a dating protocol and stick to it. Once someone passes through your initial filters, try him on for size. Best practices? Avoid endless text messaging – limit text to setting a phone call. In that first call, ask questions that will engage your filters. Beware of guys who text endlessly, create expectations and act like they know you. “Meet me before you invent me.” I once told a prospective date who texted me daily with his visions of me and our relationship. When we met, he could hardly make eye contact and complained about the prices on the menu. “Next!”
4. When you see something, say something. If you sense he may be dating someone else, ask him. If you think he told you one thing and then denies it, ask him if he’s telling the truth. If he is always focussing on his needs, likes to hear himself talk, but doesn’t focus on you, loud sirens should be blaring! As you get closer, if you question his financial stability, have that conversation. It’s important to be clear on things like income, debt and retirement savings at this age.
5. Trust your gut. If your head is playing tricks on you, check in with your gut – Is he a ‘yes’ or a ‘no?’ Learn to trust your intuition. When something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
6. Have no expectations. Dating is destined to be disappointing if you have high expectations for every man you meet. If you read into the conversations and text messages, you can begin to build a fantasy relationship about a new guy before you even meet him. “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes.” is a good mindset to adopt. Be here now. Stay conscious and present. Be careful of judging as well as creating fantasies.
7. Don’t spill all the beans on the first date. This is an opportunity to get curious, meet someone new, figure out if you like each other and get your flirt on. He doesn’t need to know your life story or if you are dating others. Take it as it goes. See how you feel at the end of the date. Assess what you liked best and what you want next time.
8. Give it time. It takes months if not years to truly get to know someone on a deep level. It takes going through difficult situations together, spending a significant amount of time with each other and sharing lifestyle preferences.

Relationships are as much about discovering yourself as they are about discovering the other person. The best way to “show up” in a relationship is to be conscious of your thoughts and feelings and to share as you grow. The love you feel now may just be scratching the surface of the love that you will experience as you grow together.

Over time, you are less guarded and more open. There are layers and depths to explore emotionally and sexually when you are open to that experience.

You may find that your partner shares the same strengths and weaknesses as you do. This is no accident. Exemplify your strengths and notice where you have the same patterns or habits that need to change. Having a conscious, communicative and willing partner creates the space for both of you to grow and for your bonds to deepen.

It’s a wonderful journey. If you are reading this… you are already on your way.

Big love,

P.S.  If you are ready for a consciously evolving, ever deepening, loving relationship, it’s time for you to take the next step. I will soon be opening enrollment for The Great Do-Over Summer of Love! If you are interested in becoming a part of this group of women on the path to soul-rocking love. Get on the waitlist to learn more.