Welcome to part 4 of 4 Common Mind Traps that Can keep you stuck and how to break free.
Who would you be if you weren’t afraid? Where would you be? What would you do? Who would you be with? There is nothing more crippling to the psyche and more damaging to the spirit than fear.
Where does it come from? Well, in earliest times when we could have been eaten by large animals or killed by an opposing tribe, there was a lot to be afraid of. But today? We can be trapped in mental prisons that keep us from experiencing true joy, happiness and feeling content and confident.
To me, it’s a tragic loss. I know first hand. I had a lot of fear as a kid. I was afraid of the next-door neighbor with flaming red hair and would cry if he said hello. I was afraid to try things that looked difficult physically – I hated gymnastics, dreaded being selected for a team (I was sure I’d fail to hit the ball) and hated obstacle courses with a passion. I’d rather fake being sick and miss the party than embarrass myself in front of other kids.
That fear turned to perfectionism in my adult life. Everything I did had to be perfect. I strove to be the best student; the highest achiever. I began to take on more and more responsibility, and gradually more and more risk, until it was all just not enough. The internal shame and blame that went with the constant evaluation of performance could be crippling to my self esteem.
I was and still am passionate about anything I decide to pursue. Gardening, photography, cooking… I’ve mastered them all. Mastery is in my blood. So when I decided to leave the comfort (yes sometimes discomfort is comforting) of the corporate world, I set out to come to terms with things that up to this point I felt held me back – fear, doubt and confusion.
What was I afraid of? Well, I have pretty big ideas. I’m very persuasive. And I have a big purpose to live. But do I really believe I can make it? Do I know enough? What if I fail? What will others think? And what about all that internal pressure from the feeling that so many others are watching me to see if I succeed. If I do, it offers them hope. If I don’t, they too may feel defeated and resigned to fate. “I knew it couldn’t be done. Better to stay where I am.”
That’s a lot of pressure I put on myself as a newbie entrepreneur. Sometimes I call it fear of succailure. Yeah, that actually came out of my mouth one day as I was articulating my fear – success and failure – two sides of the same coin – and I’m afraid of both – but more afraid to fail.
As a coach, many of the women I work with have fear that holds them back. They are afraid to leave bad marriages. Afraid to leave draining careers. Afraid of not being able to support themselves on their own. Afraid of losing the weight they have amassed that keeps them safe, yet small. All Real fears, sure to keep you stuck if you believe them to be true, but not insurmountable.
Doubt is another joy killer because doubt also keeps you stuck exactly where you are. If you don’t know what path to take or can’t decide what direction to follow, there is a high probability of just going nowhere. And while fear is sticky, doubt is slippery. It’s hard to grasp and keeps sliding around in the psyche as a never-ending stream of alternate possibilities.
Get in. Get out. And move quickly.
Confusion is the saddest of all the mind traps – when you have a clear idea of what you would like to do, where you want to go, who you want to be, but you don’t can’t see a path to get there. You don’t know how. This one has never held me back as I’m a woman of resourceful means. If I don’t know, I will find someone who does. Find an expert who has a track record of success and watch what they do and do the same. Once I find the formula that works for me, I repeat it as many times as needed.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
How do you rebound from being stuck in a mind trap of “I can’t, I’m not sure, Or I don’t know how?”
First, you need to get clear on what trap you are in. Are you afraid? Is it that you doubt your ability? Or you lack a direction or a path to follow?
Next, make friends with that feeling. Note when it arises. What are your triggers to fear, doubt and confusion? How does it feel in the body? Start by just naming it. “Oh, fear is here.” Or, “I’m confused. “Or “I’m doubting myself.”
Once you name it… really get to know it. Journal it out on the page… I’m afraid of… I’m unsure of… I don’t know how to… Do this long hand. There is something magical and mystical about the pen to paper and how the words emerge seamlessly from a subconscious place when writing long hand.
Explore the dark corners of the soul. Where does that feeling come from? Is there a reason to still believe it now? Is it true? Is it timely? Is it helpful? What if you turned that thought or belief around and wrote a supporting argument for the opposing thought?
Flip that thought around. Take I don’t know what do you and turn it around to: “Here’s what I need to do.” And write down all the actions you can take quickly to understand what direction you need to take. Consult friends. Experts. Read books. Search the web. Get some plausible answers and then take action.
Write a goal. Set a deadline. Work backwards. If you are afraid of public speaking, set a date on your calendar to host an event or a webinar and start to work on pulling together your presentation and inviting your audience. Get a speaking gig – radio, teleseminar, stand up… just do it! Move past the fear, doubt and confusion and test your mettle.
I would put money on the fact that you will succeed and you will have busted out of a mind trap. And when you do, use that new-found confidence as fuel to take the next step, and the next, until you look back and you realize that you have made one giant leap.
Go for it! Don’t let these mind traps keep you stuck.
Need help with your breakthrough? Whether you are stuck in a relationship, a job, or a body that no longer fits, reach out to me here and schedule your one-hour “Mind trap breakout session.” I am opening up my calendar for 9 sessions over the next two weeks. So if this is you, don’t delay. Let’s get you clear on the one step you can take today that will get you closer to YOUR dream.
Release Fear. Think Clear. Get Into Gear.