When Is Enough Really Enough?

Today, as I was getting ready for my trip to San Francisco, it hit me: “Why am I never satisfied with what I have achieved? When is enough really enough?”

Conversations with my clients the past few weeks echoed a similar theme. One client who is over 70 confessed, “I want my husband to slow down, but I’m not sure we have enough to retire comfortably.”

“I was under such duress during our divorce that I think I settled too quickly.” confessed another.  “I see what he has and what I ended up with and it feels like it’s not enough.”

Some of you who are struggling in relationships and looking for love echoed versions of the same… “Maybe I should be happy with good conversation and companionship. Maybe this is enough.”

An equal number of you are not satisfied with what you had in the past, but struggle with the belief, “Will I really find a man to love all of me and is it possible to find the man that I dream about? Am I good enough?”

This got me to thinking… when is enough really enough?

And is it your fear of not being good enough? If so, where does that fear come from? And how do you get to feeling good enough, smart enough, capable enough, that you have enough and that you are deserving enough?

“We parent ourselves in the same manner we were parented. So the negative message of “I couldn’t fix it, so I am not good enough,” remains strong.” Says psychologist Karyl McBride Ph.D. in an article in Psychology Today when speaking about children growing up in dysfunctional households always trying to be good enough to earn their parents love.

The truth is, these persistent thought patterns have been ingrained in you from childhood. In fact they are not even yours. They come from your parents, from their parents and from generations before them.

Dysfunctional families pass down emotional character traits as reliably as facial features. The trick is to notice when a patterned thought arises, recognize it as automatic thinking, and consciously release it.

Here’s a technique you can try. The next time you have a thought about not being good enough or not being worthy enough, be quick on the draw, “Whose thought is this anyway?” followed by, “not me, not mine.”

You may have heard me use that term when setting emotional boundaries in dysfunctional relationships. It’s equally useful with your own dysfunctional thoughts.

Where is this feeling of not being good enough showing up in your life?

Is it driving yourself with work?

Not taking a chance on a new career or a dream?

Hiding behind your role as caretaker?

Settling for less in love?

Here’s the flip side…

That inkling of wanting more than you have can actually be good. You are the creator of your wonderful life. By your very nature you are called to expand – to want more, be more than you have and are.

Don’t confuse this with the feeling “I am not enough” or “I don’t have enough.”

Discernment is key here – I want more vs. I want more, but I don’t believe I will get it. The latter crushes desire and actually prevents you from growing into your full potential.

When you see yourself wanting more… more love, more happiness, more abundance… this is a calling of your soul to fulfill your desires. For these desires to become your reality, you must feel good – you must feel like you are more than enough.

“This isn’t enough” can be an impulse to be, do, have, more and this is a good thing!

The next time you notice a ‘not enough’ feeling – tap into your inner wisdom and ask, “Am I being called to expand? Or am I holding myself back?” And it might be a little bit of both.

Post here and let me know if this has hit home with you. Then, let’s chat about it – I might be able to offer some insight and resources to help you go from “I am not enough” to “this isn’t good enough for me,” and help you to change it!

Talk soon!