How to outsmart your inner saboteur

It’s been a few weeks since my last post… despite my best efforts, I sometimes get in my own way – especially between travel, recording new trainings, marketing and client calls, writing can sometimes fall to the bottom of the list.

But I know how many times I’ve heard great comments about WW emails, so I’m setting the intention to get ahead of the curve and be more regular in my sharing. If there’s a topic that you’d like to hear more about, email me! I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.

Over at The Passion Project Incubator and The Great Do-Over – Rewrite Your Love Story, self sabotage has been a big topic and here’s why…

We all have unconscious patterns of sabotage that we’ve carried with us since early childhood, I would bet they show up on your life too.

Whether it’s not getting the love you want and deserve, or not creating the wealth that you want to generate and see grow, or even a health issue that, even with the best intentions, you seem powerless to change.

Call me a self help junkie, but I am enthralled with learning new and different ways I can create more joy and abundance in my life.  So, when I met Pat Pearson at the EBW2020 Summit in Austin and she started listing ways we sabotage ourselves, light bulbs flashed everywhere for me.

The recognition was ground shaking. I felt like I was having an emotional lobotomy and Pat was reaching into the dark depths of my psyche and revealing my conditioning in the stark light of the auditorium.

She shared how we all have an inner deserve level that was formed by the time we were five years old by the permissions we were given – implicitly and explicitly – by our parents and other authority figures. I’m sure you can think of some, “money doesn’t grow on trees… who are you to think that you can… “

Your deserve level is based on your self esteem and this sets your silent glass ceiling for life.

That is until you become conscious of these patterns of thinking and behaving and how they get in your way today.

That’s why I always start a new client relationship with journaling and meditation. You can’t change what you don’t notice. You need to make the unconscious conscious before we can create new patterns and new ways of believing and acting.

Turns out I have a chinese menu of sabotage patterns that in the past had prevented me from attracting the right relationship and accumulating wealth. And, while I have a high degree of confidence, my self esteem issues from the past can make it very difficult for me to make big leaps.

What is your flavor of self sabotage?

The thing about self sabotage is it’s indiscriminate – it can affect your professional success, your relationships, your health and your finances.

I’ve never met a person who doesn’t have one…

Whether you sabotage in love relationships, career success, money or health, the truth is these patterns of sabotage are preventing you from living up to your dreams.

According to Pat, there are five patterns of sabotage…

1. 1. Throwing it all away – do you have trouble keeping money in your bank account? As soon as you get a big check, do you spend it or give it away? Do you sabotage your relationships, once you meet that fabulous guy that you’ve been dreaming about, do you give in to a relentless habit that pushes him away? Or when you hit a big achievement do you find a way to kick yourself off your own pedestal?

1. 1. Denying the Truth – are you a “Denial Diva?” Do you ignore all the signals that something is wrong and indulge in wishful thinking? Do you ignore your bank statements and not plan ahead because you think by magic somehow everything will fall into place? Do you start a business without sound market research and believe, “If I build it, they will come?” Or do you blame your lack of success and frustration on outside forces that you can’t control – e.g. the market is really bad right now, or nothing ever happens in December or someone else is to blame – this keeps you in a victim role and denies your power to change.

1. 1. Settling for less – do you have a habit of attracting men who don’t make you a priority? Do you not ask for a raise? Do you not go for the bigger opportunity because you are afraid if you won’t get it and afraid if you do, so you’ll just stay where you are and settle?

1. 1. Resignation –  do you not take action because you believe you will fail? Do you attempt to date but stop because you haven’t had success and this feeds a belief that “I was just meant to live alone?” Those who employ this strategy stay safe in their comfort zone of being resigned to a pre-ordained belief in failure, so you don’t even try.

1. Procrastination and Perfectionism – do you have a ‘fatal flaw?’ Do you procrastinate when you should be taking action? Does everything need to be perfect before you can release it out into the world? Are addictions getting in the way of you making progress? Do you reject men to date because they don’t meet your criteria of the ideal partner?

Do you see yourself in these patterns? What is your favorite flavor of sabotage? Or maybe like me, you have more than one.

Your life is made up of stories more than fact. Stories you tell yourself about what’s possible. Stories that you were told from your past of how to believe and how to behave. And the sad truth is that you are run by an unconscious belief system that ensures you stay cozy in your world and you don’t rock the boat.

And when I say, “you,” I mean, “us.” There is not a single person on this planet who doesn’t sabotage in one way or another – well maybe the Dalai Lama – but I don’t know him well enough to be sure… he’s certainly done a lot of work listening to the voices inside his head I imagine…

How do you outsmart your inner saboteur?

According to Pat, your income will go up 25% for every psychological breakthrough, so that should provide some motivation for you.

First, you can only change what you see. Look at the primary areas of your life – work, relationships, health, money – ask yourself – “How do I sabotage my success?”

Note how you sabotage in your journal.

What strategy or combination of strategies do you use to to sabotage your biggest goals?

Next, Identify what’s at the core of your sabotage strategy? Is it self esteem or self confidence?

Self esteem is based on who you are – your intrinsic value as a human being on this planet.

Self esteem is damaged by harsh criticism, emotional or physical abuse, not being seen or recognized, having the expectation of being perfect – by parents, peers and your own beliefs about your performance.

With healthy self esteem, you really love yourself for who you are – unconditional positive self regard regardless of what you do or how you perform.

Self confidence comes from being successful at doing something.

To get more confidence you need to take brave action – perhaps by taking small baby steps toward your goal.

This is an emotional workout.

What worked for me and is working with my clients is being able to say it outloud. Accepting how we feel. Expressing it and releasing it.

What did you think? Did you spot your patterns?

Now it’s time to rewire your operating system by choosing to believe differently and believing what you say. There’s a lot more to it than I can post here, but you can start with, “I choose to…. ” Create a powerful statement of how you choose to show up in this present moment. That alone can shift your emotions to the positive.

If you believe you have patterns of self sabotage at play, send me an email. It’s important that you can address this now and step into your true potential in this very short time here on earth.

Big love,

P.S. Did this hit home? Shoot me an email now if you’d like some quick advice on how to rewrite your belief system and create new, positive, patterns that actually get you to where you want to be.